Consumption Rebellion
Last week, my children started their new school year. This time of the year is always a joyful time for me - nothing like seeing my children line up a little closer to the "big kids" grades every year to truly hit home how fast they are growing.
While I've always savoured this time of the year, I have to admit, its when they go back to school that I truly experience the pressure to buy. In trying to adhere to a simple, green and frugal lifestyle, I have found that its when they are school that the differences are quite obvious. My daughter walked into school wearing a uniform hand-sewn by me, wearing simple white tennis shoes that were hand decorated by me, carrying a bag I found at an op shop and inside a lunch box with my homemade sandwich wraps. In comparison, I see other children wearing uniforms with labels, wearing recognisably branded shoes, and carrying new bags with pics of the latest fads.
I worry that my children would stand out too much. That they wouldn't fit in. In the UK, the report "Growing Up in a Material World" showed that 55% of respondents have been bullied or know someone who has been bullied because they did not have the latest products.
This is a scary statistic for me. It is difficult enough to try and deconstruct advertising and marketing messages for my children, let alone having to deal with this aspect too.
I once attended an inspiring lecture from Danah Boyd and have followed her work ever since. While her work is not really related to simple, green, frugal living, even she commented once that:
In my own fieldwork, I regularly witnessed the consequences of mass commercialism. Teens had to buy to fit in and if they couldn't buy, they were pressured to steal. Identity is constructed and status is marked by consumption. The goal of so many teens when they grow up is to make money so that they can buy the right things.
Thankfully my children have not yet been bullied nor have they resorted to pressuring me to buy stuff. A huge part of me resists in buying them things because I truly think that using materialism as a way to fit in is not the sort of value I want to teach them. But its not easy...
So how to cope?
Ever since the children were old enough to become aware of products, I have tried to deconstruct many of the media messages with them. I've tried to show them there are other ways of thinking about things. I might offer some of what I do now and perhaps readers would like to share their own thoughts and advice.
1. I try to not use the words "its too expensive" or "we can't afford it" as the reason for not buying things. I once heard somewhere that this puts the acquisition of money as important - it gives the subtle message that "if only I had enough money I would buy that for you". Instead, I tell my children: "I want to spend my money on X instead." or "We already have enough toys/gadgets/clothes - we do not need to buy any more" or "Those toys/gadgets/clothes/stuff were made in ways that I think hurt the Earth, I want to buy things that are were made in ways that is kind to the Earth." The value I try to convey is that they always have a CHOICE when it comes to spending money - and that includes *choosing to not buy*.
2. I offer them alternatives - eg. you would like a new dress? Let's not buy it here, let's buy it from the op shop because then you'd not only get a dress but also help others and be kind to the Earth as well.
3. I try to be generous. Whenever my children's friends have commented on liking something I made for my children, I try and take the time to make that same thing for them too. Slowly, my children's friends have started carrying homemade library bags, homemade sandwich wraps, and even homemade school bags. As almost all my fabric, thread, elastic, cord etc are sourced second hand, its no financial imposition to make these things for others.
In the end, I feel that the pressure to buy will always be there - and for a little longer yet, I think I will continue to feel that pressure from watching my children interact with others at school. I can see how rampant consumerism is in the school yard.
There once was a time when I hoped that what I do will lead my children to fully embrace the values I am trying to teach them. However, I have now realised that their journey is their own. If they choose a path that is different from this simple, green, frugal life that I am trying to live, then I know that I will have to accept that. The best I can hope for is to show them that there are always alternatives and it is never too hard or too late to change paths.
If you want to learn more about this topic, the Children as Consumers article from Global Issues is a fantastic read.
I look forward to reading your thoughts and opinions on this issue. :)
36 comments:
I love that you make things for your children's friends. By doing that you are spreading the message that handmade is more special than store bought without actually getting on a soapbox which would turn the younger generation away. It's gently creating a new mindset.
I love this post! I don't have kids but really like the way you handle things... ie helping others by making purchases at second hand stores. You are right on with your talent to educate and not preach as the previous commentor stated. I will suggest your ideas to my friends and family with kids! thanks
cathy c
What a great post.
Too often, I see people on the web saying "you are the kind of person who should have more children, or there won't be any people like you"...our kids are going to be like themselves, we don't get to control them. All we can do is try to help them be their best selves.
I had the same issues while raising my children.. our case was we really couldn't afford the name brand items so what I would do is if a new style of shirt or dress came on the market I'd make them clothes in the same style. Jeans were my hardest thing to deal with so I'd do my jean shopping at the thrift store and buy them designer brands at a fraction of the cost.
Its hard but sounds like you are on the right track.
Great post! I really like the alternative ways to explain media messages. I didn't do that as well and didn't have as good results!
Now, I'll try that instead.
Thanks
I love how you are raising your children and how you rephrase the 'we cannot afford it' < something I realize that I need to do. My girls are 13 & 14 and have yet to be bullied for not wearing name brand. We buy second hand (I'm a learning seamstress) so they are still wearing some names at $3 & $5 prices. A friend of my oldest admired a wool crochet'd hat that I made for my girls so I made her one too!
Thanks for this post. DItto on what Joyce said about making things for other kids, what a great idea!
We are pretty good about not buying just to have more stuff, but too often I do use the 'we can't afford it' excuse....I need to work on that.
We live in a small rural area, so the brand names aren't as big here. My boys seemed to like being different- no TV, second hand clothes, from scratch food, etc.It became their identity. Now friends might comment on how good their sandwich looks, and they'll share the homemade bread! I think it might be easier with boys? I have to admit, though, that if I thought they were having a hard time because of my choices, I would have tried to make adjustments for them. Great post.
A good resource for information about commercialization and children is: http://www.commercialfreechildhood.org/index.html
Stacey
Great post. My boys are on the younger side (4 and 6) and we still get away with not having the same things as their friends. For boys, I suspect clothes is not as big a deal and, while I cannot sew, I can thrift shop like a pro. My kids love their thrifted clothes. I'm also thankful that we go to a pretty green school. Media characters are not all that pervasive but kleen kanteens and reusable containers are everywhere.
This is a great point! I realize my kids are young (3 and 1) and it will get harder as they get older but it brings me such joy to see that they are picking up from us healthy attitudes towards gratitude and simplicity. My oldest told me he would still like to wear his pjs with holes in the feet unless I want him to donate them but they cannot go in the trash. And he is always telling me how "cool and beautiful" my outfit is, even if it is a stained sweatshirt. It brings me true joy!
I'm a grandma now, but when I had young'uns we pretty much did the same thing (long ago... first child was born in 1976, last in 1985, living in a rural area). Then hubby and I separated and the many of the kids ended up with their final rearing in city with a much more conventional stepmom and their dad fell in step with her much more conventional tune.
I am happy to report that now -- as young moms themselves -- they are climbing back on the more frugal, green bandwagon. Just more reason for me to believe that when you "raise a child up in the way she should go, WHEN SHE IS OLD(RE) she will not depart from it."
Thanks for sharing your experiences. My daughter is still very young, but I have already been thinking about how we will address these issues. It's such a challenge to live in a way that's different from the norm, but a challenge definately worth investing in.
You do so well Eilleen. I love the idea of making for their friends - you create a new kind of "what's cool".
Children are easily moulded by what goes on around them - taking a proactive stance to influence those messages is a good idea.
Eileen I love your posts. You write about some of my worries - children and consumerism. We live rural and homeschool so the children (aged 8 - 2yrs, 5 of them) aren't as exposed to the playground; they do still fight their battles with buy buy buy. TV and the shops are our training grounds, and they are learning. They love second hand clothes being given to them and they get a kick out of finding something (clothes/books/furniture) in good quality at a bargin prices from the op shops. I used to sew alot for the children but with being given and finding great bargins at the op shops, I don't sew nearly as much in the way of clothes, still do some though. I do more other sewing for them - dolls, soft toys and qulits. My husband is very handy and he teaches the children and myself how to go about making and fixing numerous things.
You are so right, we can only guide them on this path to be frugal and green; but they have to make the choice. I also agree with Jj Starwalker, in that - when you "raise a child up in the way she should go, WHEN SHE IS OLD(RE) she will not depart from it."; as I have done exactly the same thing. brought up frugal (not green) then when I worked as a single in the big city was lured unknowingly into a life of consumerism. Through going green I found my frugal roots again and like a pig in mud now! very happy!
Bec xxx
You're not alone, and neither are your kids. Lots of people handsew their kids clothes. The trick to making them not stand out for bad reasons, that might attract the attention of bullies, is not to make them "ugly". What I mean is, don't go overboard with the hand-smocking, applique, quilting etc - all that stuff your mother loved to do -> keep it simple, well-cut, well-thought out looks, and your kids will stand out because they look good. Primary school is tough, though. By high school, the friendship pool widens, and they are much more likely to find themselves with friends who think like they do on some things, or respect their values even if they don't coincide with theirs on all things.
My advice would be, don't over-think it. We are not poor in Australia, by world standards of course, and all kids need reminding of that at times. Life can look like a quest for "stuff" for a lot of people. Move on with what you are doing in yours and your kids' lives, keep to your purpose. So long as your kids have opportunity to speak up on what they think about the issues you are raising without feeling they risk losing your approval, you are going along fine.
All the best.
I don't have kids but reading this article, about a recent study on children and the media, scared and saddened me.
"The study claimed that, in its most extreme form, advertising persuaded children that "you are what you own"."
I am heartened and grateful to you Eileen and others like you who take the time to educate and raise awareness around these issues. Thank you.
Great post. I use the same tactics as you but it is only this year that my eldest has entered the school ground. I wait with baited breath to see how successful I have been. As long as I see my son make considered choices, I will consider my teaching a success.
Dear Eilleen, I was really lifted by your post. You are teaching your children many good things. I think you're showing them that while the mainstream path is more familiar, other path ways are more interesting.
When you wrote: "There once was a time when I hoped that what I do will lead my children to fully embrace the values I am trying to teach them. However, I have now realised that their journey is their own." I smiled. I made that same discovery many years ago with my own children. However, I'm pleased to tell you that while they did veer off course for a while and follow their friends doing a few wild and dangerous things, now, in their late 20s, they are both firmly back happily embracing the values they grew up with. I am sure that what you're doing, the way you're raising your children, will stay deep within them all their lives. They'll forget it sometimes, but it will be there and it will come back to guide them.
Thank you for this post.
Folks shouldn't give into peer pressure (fear pressure?) over the bullying thing. Bullies will find reasons to pick on kids, no matter what. If a bully targets your kid, the right brand of shoes won't stop the bullying.
Thanks for your post. My children are in their late teens. They are very good about name brands and my daughter has even taught her friends how to shop frugally.
The stuff we teach really does sink in and although its a tought balancing act, they are better equiped adults as a result of our efforts.
thanks for the post.
My kids are happy with their second hand uniforms and home made lunches etc and are used to me being frugal in how I make puchases, but you certainly highlighed a few things for me that I hadn't really thought about in expressing how I share my reasoning with them.
Very thought-provoking. I need to be careful with the "we can't afford it" comments too, although I do try to put it in terms of the cost to the earth. Our kids are taught at school now about sustainablility, although the mixed messages from the media are probably more powerful than school teachers as kids get older.
I have boys and so far so good. Like a previous commenter, one of my sons in particular has made it his identity to be different. But my younger son does like to fit in. Also, I remember from my own growing up- most of my high school years I didn't care about being popular but there was one year where I did some things just to fit in. So I expect that because my boys are one way now, doesn't mean they will always be comfortable with it. The plan is to keep the lines of communication open, live myself by the principles I hold dear, love my kids, pray for wisdom and deal with each situation or life phase as it arises.
I grew up (American-style) rural poor in an area into which a very wealthy suburb was expanding. Mom made a lot of my clothes, and we were told "You'll get good shoes when your feet stop growing!" As a female, early high school was the roughest part in terms of bullying. It was rough until I realized that some of the other girls were jealous- I had two parents at home, and a Mom who cared enough to make me special things. She also cared enough to make me study (valedictorian and full scholarships to college), and to question every boy who dared to talk to me, etc. She cared enough to be a good parent, and it is obvious that you do, too. Your kids will see and learn it well.
What a great post. I have to admit I have fallen into the trap of saying 'we can't afford it'. Really, I was meaning all of the other things. From now on I will be more conscious of what I say. I love the idea of making stuff for their friends. Big ups to you.
Thanks, this post is very pertinent to me, especially going easy on the 'can't afford it' line which I have used to my 4yo, and been told that daddy should make more coins. I also find it tricky to say why we dont buy / do something without being judgemental about other people's habits as I don't want my son repeating verbatim my views on fast food, large 4wds driving short distances to school etc out of context.
thanks Anna
G'day that was a good read.
Dogma - be aware of that trap.
Great to enable children to make educated decisions... keeping in mind that they do need to make decisions.
We all haven't done what possibly our parents thought was the best way to live! Most of us like to think that our current way of life is an improvement on theirs.
Best wishes :-)
The emphasis shouldn't be on how to make our kids fit in but on how to work on bullying as a sometimes acceptable behavior in schools in the first place.
Our kids will either fit in or they won't. Their clothes might help and they might not. Teaching them how to cope with a bully and knowing when to intervene is the best way to go.
As of now, the daughters friends are green with envy at the things I make for her. Son too. I have had monetary offers to make them for others but they can't afford me:)
hi, i had a school uniform skirt made by my nana when i was at high school. that skirt was the only one i had that didn't come undone at the hems and seams!
i have a similar problem buying my sons uniforms, now. The buttons fall off and under the arms come undone! these uniforms are not cheap either, as it is a private school. one shirt even had button holes that hadn't been cut open! I wish I could buy the right fabric to make them myself.
for me, money is not a value. time is and self is. the only thing that i truly have is time and i'm not going to exchange it for money. i don't work to make a profit, even though we certanly could use some extra money.it doesn't bother me that three thirds of our income go to pay the bills for electricity, water, heating... and then there's food... but i know that so many people see me as worthless because they value a person according to what the person earns. so i'm not entirely sure if i am right to raise my children the way i live. of course i wouldn't like any one to see my children as worthless, even though i and they know they are precious.
they are very small now and indeed they appreciate a walk with me, or home made cookies or the clothes i make for them more than any toy or cartoon they watch on tv at their grandma's (we don't have a tv). for now, their priorities are time and self...but i think i should try to teach them to live somewhere in the middle.
it's a tough job, to keep a green mind.
here, school starts in september, how interesting to start in february!
I remember when my son was about 8 or 9 "pogs" became the great collectable of the day. These were round cardboard discs available free with different products ie cereal etc or you could buy sheets of them. Needless to say all his pocket money went on them until he had a tinful - worthless cardboard discs! But what a wonderful lesson he learnt and how useful when he wanted designer sportswear and other gear. I was always able to hark back to the worthless pogs and the seller who made the money while J gained nothing!
Today he sat and made the most exquisite paper roses for his girlfriend - each one taking quite a long time to craft but so much more valuable and precious than going out and spending £25 on a bunch that will last only a few days. A lesson well learnt, me thinks!
This post was so encouraging! I have two small children, not school-age yet, but I'm already wondering about how we will face the rampant materialism I'm asssuming is prevalent in schools when the time comes. I'm hoping that we can instill values in our children so they will be able to influence their friends, rather than the other way around, as you seem to have done.
This is something I REALLY struggle with. I am always careful not to tell my children that we "can't afford" something. Preferring instead to highlight that we make different choices. But the whole peer thing is a very emotive issue for me as I grew up having nothing like my peers and suffering as a consequence. For me, the best way seems to be finding a middle ground. It might not be the perfectly frugal, green lifestyle but I figure I'm doing better than giving in to that insecure teen inside me that wants to over-consume. Of course, I didn't have a secure home life either to fall back on which I think makes a massive difference in coping with peer pressure.
Thank you all for your comments and links. I have gotten so much out of reading everyone's comments here.
Thank you too for those who have grown up children. Its interesting to hear that your children eventually came back to the values you tried to instill.
I have to say, I do wish that media literacy - or more importantly "consumption literacy" is subject taught at school.
This is really an important post... I don't have my own children yet, but it's good to realise things in advance, and the advice of not saying "we can't afford it" is absolutely priceless.
And I can remember my own childhood...
I'm just reading Karel Capek's Talks with TGM and one of the things Masaryk says there actually fit this post... he says something along the lines of "the real bringing up and education should not lie in preaching to the children, but in teaching them by what you do yourself". I guess it's an old truth, but worth repeating... that's the case with most old truths. He also says that - in his time - fathers very often earn a lot of money, spending a lot of time in work, claiming they want their children to be well-off, but that their children would be better off if they spent that time with them instead, because this way all their children learn from them is to make money and be materialistic. In his time. But it must still be the case nowadays. Actually, I think it's good to know it isn't the case just nowadays.
And I'm sure I myself learned much more from what my parents did than from what they said... I couldn't tell you anything they told me when I was a small child, but I know a lot of things we did together. Like planting my own carrots in my own part of a garden bed. Or not having a car and always going on railway trips (my father's a railway enthusiast). Collecting rainwater in big barrels - playing with the water, using horseradish leaves as boats... oh, and catching and throwing out the mosquito larvae was the biggest fun!
This is an issue that is just beginning to rear its head for our family. I really like your way of handling things :)
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