Recently I received an email from Nicole with a very interesting question:
How do you come to terms with the fact that so many people in the world don't seem to want to become educated about how their actions affect their world? For example, I am learning a lot about our food system lately and I really want my friends to become educated about it, too. I feel like if they just KNEW where their food was really coming from, they would make healthier and more environmentally-sound decisions. But I don't want to see preachy or holier-than-thou. Another example: I have two friends who just don't recycle. I can't wrap my head around it. They CAN recycle in their neighborhoods, they just don't. Again, I want to call them out on it, but I just don't know how to do it without seeming judgmental - even though I AM!
This is something I think about a lot actually. I think about it when writing this blog, I think about it when I'm doing work for my clients, I think about it when I walk through the streets on my daily walk, ... yes, I think about it a lot! Do you struggle with this, too?
Nine Ways To Get Your Friends To Care
Here are a few ways that have worked for me. Please share what has worked for you in the comments!
1. Think About Your Friend and What They Want. What is a good entry point for them? Would the entry point be finding a healthy home for their kids? Or maybe food, knitting, reading (book group?), shopping (antiquing or thrift store shopping or a clothing swap?), gardening? Find an entry point that will draw them in.
2. Meet Them Where They Are. You are likely at point c or even z, while your friend might be at point a. So help them simply get to b first. Make it easy, cheaper, tastier, more fun.
3. Never Use the Word "Should" or "Can't"- your friend needs to WANT to change their lifestyle, otherwise it won't work and won't stick. In the same way that you wouldn't change if you felt you were being judged, neither will your friends. Despite how much our friends can be frustrating, being judgmental or condescending just doesn't work to changes anyone's mind.
4. Remember Your Own Mindset When You Began Thinking About Change. What did you experience? Like me, you probably weren't told something, but rather you experienced a moment when something happened, something clicked. Somehow it hit HOME for you, and applied to you on a personal level in a way that it never had before. So what were the steps that led you there? How can you recreate that whole experience for your friend?
5. Just Be Friends and Appeal to Your Friendship - ask your friend to accompany you to the farmers market or help you pick out a dress at the thrift store or make an organic cake for your little one. Something similar to what you would normally do, with just a little tweak to let them slowly into your new world. You might even ask them to help you, because this is something you're really interested in.
6. Be Patient. It takes time and we are all different with different learning curves and needs and wants. We all take two steps forward and one step back as well, so know that just as you are not perfect, you friend is not perfect either. The best thing you can do, though, is stumble through this ebb and flow together. So let them in when they are ready.
7. Make It Fun. Particularly while the world is in Recession and Recovery, nobody wants to hear that the world is dying, or they are going to die, or anything of the sort. Right now, whether we like it or not, the world needs some fun. So make going green fun! Try new things together, with your kids, and in a positive and forward-looking way. Look to the future and see how your lives will change, how your changes will make an impact. Strive toward that point, and continuously redefine normal in a positive way.
8. Show Them How Excited You Are. Good friends will be excited about things that make you happy, healthy, and excited about life. Sometimes all you can do is make your own changes, and let others look on until they find something they find useful or interesting or exciting, and begin to pick it up. This is a tactic that has worked very well within my own family, for instance, where my mother and sister began learning from what I was doing, and started trying it themselves. It happened very organically, and now they make changes on their own and at their own pace.
9. Keep On Truckin. Some people are in such a different place in their life, their work, and their very being that there is nothing you can say or do that will change their minds. That's ok. They may come around sometime, or they may never come around. One of the things that is so important to me is to focus on helping those who are already beginning to convert their lifestyles. There is a lot of merit in that, and a lot of merit in just doing what you do and doing it well. We all need to learn to be ok with being the first, being the loudest, and being the furthest. And you'll be surprised at who just might catch up with you when you least expect it!
You know your friend better than most people do, so pick a tactic that makes the most sense given your unique relationship. Don't give up on your friends. Friendships lift us up when we are down, friendships move us, shake us, and support us, and we need them. If you are not finding support for your lifestyle within your current friends, you might consider finding like-minded people who can support you.
What Has Worked For You?
Please share your success stories!
13 comments:
One of the best pieces of advice I was ever given was that: People don't change their minds... they make new decisions.
In order to allow our friends to make new decisions we must either; present new information or present old information in a new way that will resonate with them in a way it failed to before.
I always like these sayings:
Lead by example... &
You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar!
http://eatatdixiebelles.blogspot.com/2010/02/spreading-word.html
Great post. I must admit, my friends fall into 2 categories: those who already agree and are working towards sustainability or those who just can't seem to care about these issues. I don't push my ideas but I do share my veggies and invite them over. And I keep hoping.
I think it's important to consider that we might not *know* what people are doing. Nobody but my husband and I know that our savings are invested in an ethical management fund. You won't see the Fair Trade logo on my coffee, because I put it in a canister.
Secondly, we don't know what struggles other people have. Lack of money, health, time or energy affect what people are able and willing to do.
But I have a solution for Nicole on the recycling front. Our recycling bins are twice the size of the ordinary garbage bins (because we are running out of landfill space), so recycling is a normal part of life here. Lobby your powers-that-be to make it easy to do the right thing and hard to do the wrong thing.
Above all, don't preach - nothing
will put people off more (even
though they're preaching to the
converted, I've actually stopped
reading quite a few blogs I used
to enjoy because I've sensed
a preachy, self-righteous tone
creeping in!). And accept that
everyone is different and at a
different stage in life.
I try to highlight the money saving aspect of going green as much as possible. With the economy, people are looking to cut costs and they think of being greeen as expensive.
i had a deodorant making party (blogged here: http://cachet-cachet.blogspot.com/2010/02/playsilks-hoopin-im-not-dirty-hippie.html). some were already doing natural deodorant, no one but me had ever made it. all loved it & I decided to make this a monthly 'i'm not a dirty hippie' event, making a different useful product each time. in the course of the evening, naturally other topics arose: breastfeeding, gardening, recycling, that I'm sure opened doors to friends minds that DON'T do those things. They were listening in on conversations by real people that they like, it makes a difference!
I know lots of people who don't recycle, so when I am at their house I take their recycleables with me. In some cases this has helped them change their minds. Often people feel like its one more chore. I get people to collect non-recycleable materials that can have a second life (plastic soda caps, etc) in a single box for me, I then sort it and take it to a non-profit reuse craft supply location (or use it myself).
When people comment on how good my ham or beef or whatever is, I let them know that is the difference of pastured meats.
When people say they cannot eat organic because they cannot afford it, I let them know by prioritizing I spend $60 a week on organic food (and laundry detergent) and that I quarterly make big purchases like meats. For another $200 or so a quarter.
Instead of preaching to people when they see what I am doing I share my life with them.
When I see people doing something that doesn't make sense to me, I ask them do you know that if you replaced that light bulb with a CFL you could save money on your energy bill, not to mention not have to change the bulb for many a year?
Its all about presenting it to them in a friendly manner.
Using cloth napkins when friends come over - "oh how cute!" they say - and then I tell them how much cheaper they are to use.
Talking to my feminist friends about the health benefits of baking bread from scratch :)
I had my "aha, time for change" moment last fall, but before that moment came in all its mightiness, I was convinced I was not only doing as much as I could, but that these small things were enough. Now I'm a lot like the people I used to think were going overboard--we've taken a vow to buy nothing made of or packaged in plastic. The decision has had tremendous impact on our family, (in positive ways). But a friend did just confide in me that she was hesitating to have us over for dinner b/c "of the plastic thing." For me, separation is not the point--I want my actions to strengthen my community, not fragment it. Anyways, our answer to this question was to start throwing "real food feasts"-- basically a big party potluck in which everyone brings dishes that were made entirely from whole, unpackaged foods. The challenge makes it fun for people to branch out just a little, and the big payback is creating a community around what started out as a very personal change.
Well it's kinda like religion isn't it... people come to decisions on their own terms and the more an idea is forced upon them the more likely they are to resist it...
I say stop worrying about your friends and worry about yourself and what you can do... if you are happy and excited about what you are doing, it may inspire your friends to become excited about those things.... (perhaps they will love your recycled shopping bags you made, or that great top you found in the op shop) then they may be inspired to try something similar...
All I can say is friends who try and force thngs on you probably won't stay your friends for long...
This is so tough, but I find leading by example is probably the best way. When I eat better, my skin looks better, I have more energy, my clothes fit -- and my girlfriends ask how I do it. My boyfriend is a lifelong collector and a bit of a pack rat, and I've been trying to break those habits in my life. Watching me remove unnecessary things from my life and become less stressed as a result has had more of an effect on him than any lecture. Now he's making his own decisions that surprise and often delight me.
I think if people in your life can see that you are happy with your lifestyle and that it doesn't feel like you're making a lot of difficult choices or sacrifices, it will make something that's new and different feel more accessible and less scary.
As I read through the comments, I noticed there was no comments by people who were directly affected by their friends actions.
We are trying to encourage our friends, who happen to be our direct neighbors, to stop burning their trash. Yes, all of it.
There are times when one must speak. For the sake of their children and our children, the law must be made known.
It is very hard to work through these issues. They weigh tremendously on our family and on me, but if we live in a community, then what we do affects one another. When it's illegal to burn your garbage - it's illegal, and there's good reason for it. It can cause all kinds of nasty sickness, pollute our water, and poison our land and food.
I admire all the comments made, but unfortunately we don't always get to choose when we have to say something. We do get to choose how we say it, but sometimes it's just gotta be said.
That takes a lot of prayer and grace to work through. I'm still working through the angst of the strain on relationship - that hurts. Yet, for the sake of our community, we must live up to the standards set by the law and to treat each other, as we would want to be treated. Love is an action, not just a feeling.
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